I thought I was so ok with this whole switching schools thing and then I was up most of last night having anxiety attacks and I realized. I'm not. Ok with it.
We're walking in obedience, which is the only place we want to walk, but it's really really hard. The kids are doing great, have all found friends and are happy. But I miss the old school and seeing all our friends there and feeling safe and knowing what the kids were doing and who they're interacting with. At the new school, I don't know who Daniel is, only that he's Peter's new buddy. I can't picture what it looks like for him to be in art class, not even sure I remember where the art room was. And short of hiding in the trees with a monocular and glasses (which I briefly considered doing) I can't drive by and watch Grant kick a soccer ball around with Jacob, whoever that is or catch my breath when he pauses to wave and realize he's still young enough to be unembarrassed by it.
I've been crying a lot and fighting the urge to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. Thank goodness for Lulu and the desperate need to get my brows and lip waxed because life has to move on, even if I feel crummy about it. Even when I feel panicked because my kids are in a strange place with strange people and I'm not ok with it. Even though it seems like I only get a teeny piece of their day during which I only have time to cook them some dinner and remind them to brush their teeth and, for crying out loud, leave their sister alone. This is a season, and not shaping up to be my favorite one at that. But it's only a season and we know those come and go and are never forever. And I'd still rather be here, having anxiety attacks that force me out of bed and upstairs to lay my hands on my sleeping sons and implore God for their safety and well being, than anywhere else on earth. Because even though obedience is hard, it's also good and it bears fruit that we might not see for a long time, or maybe never, but it does. Bear fruit.
And when I crawl back into bed, scared and sad and just yuck, there is Dan, my love of fifteen years today. Who wraps his arm around me and stands in the gap and makes me feel safe. And has done that so many times over the past fifteen years. Heaven help this man who married a crazy lady. So here's to being real even if it feels like I'm exposing my ugliness and weakness and here's to obedience even when it sucks and here's to fifteen years of hard work and laughter that have netted me four children and an amazing helpmate and more blessings than I can count. Even when it's stormy, I would rather be here, smack dab in the middle of my Father's will and held in his capable hands, and teaming up with the partner I adore than anywhere else on earth.
Oh, and if you think about it, could you just pray these names: ashley, jennifer, rebekah, lauren and sophia? God loves to hear the names of his children on our lips. And these children need their father today. Thanks.