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Monday, February 21, 2011

off.

Have been struggling with anxiety lately, no point in ignoring that and pretending I have it all together.  Too many of you know me well enough to know that's not true.  I lay awake for hours in the early times of Sunday morning waiting for the sun to come up, kids to awaken, so I could get up and stop being afraid and I just felt this urgent need to get to church and get into the prayer room.  Just get me to the prayer room.  Only when I got there it was empty.  Until the sweet soft sounds of my sister walking in, who just happened to come to the same service and just happened to know I needed help in the prayer room, interrupted the silence and nearly made me cry in relief.  We spent a lovely hour and a half on our faces confessing our sins, asking for healing for ourselves and others, writing in her journal what God was telling us and growing an action plan for being better wives.  Better mothers.  Better daughters of a King.  Better.  Better.  Just better.  And while the anxiety has continued, it has this fresh layer of balm over it that is making it more tolerable.  That is making it feel ok and clearing up the clouds that were darkening my perspective because if you've ever been in the desert, you know that it feels like you're going to be there forever.  Only you're not.  You find that out when you reach the mountains and you can take a deep breath again and you realize that the desert time was crappy but also sweet because you felt nearer to Jesus there.  And in the way that only God can, you begin to miss it just the teeniest bit because you had no doubt there about whose kid you were.  No doubt.  And you commit to stuff like praying more and wanting less and serving more and buying less because your newly gained perspective tells you that when you live in bondage to anything other than Christ you just are crucifying him over and over for the things he already died for.  And you don't want to do that.
And part of the plan was to turn off the tv for one week (or more, but don't tell my kids) and spend that time reading nothing but the Bible and melting into my family.  Of course, a smarter mom would have written a contingency plan that has a snow day clause that allows for one or more movies, but I'm not a smarter mom.  So we're on day 2 without tv.  And though I lost a considerable number of brain cells this afternoon reading an entire Magic Tree House book to Tess and Peter, it's not been so bad.  We spent all afternoon yesterday constructing this city while Dan was away:
This was very dangerous as the volcano erupted right onto Peter's log cabin and caused it to burst into flames.  Please know that no Playmobile were harmed in the making of this village.
We even had our very own Mackinac Bridge.  Only you couldn't actually get anywhere from our bridge.  We ran out of tracks.
Every village needs a school.  For spelling class at least.
We even had our very own Times Square jumbotron.  We were waiting for it to list the school closings.  When you've turned your tv off for a week, you're perfectly willing to all sit in front of a magnadoodle and watch it.
Lucy was not allowed to be a member of our village until we were sick of it.  Then we let her be the giant that smashes the town to bits and sucks on all the pieces.  She was a natural.
So here's to time away from the screen and extra time on our knees and to being real about it all.  The good the bad and the ugly.

2 comments:

  1. been reading your blog for awhile now--I just love how real you are because real is true and beautiful. Anxiety has gripped my life in the past and I'm never quite sure when it will come back--sneaky little devil....praying for you.
    We haven't had a TV in the house for 7 years and it is THE BEST parenting decision we have ever made--bravo to you--enjoy your week :)
    Just wanted you to know that I am reading and enjoying every post!
    Blessings,
    Carin (Peters) Vogelzang
    www.diplofam.blogspot.com

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  2. So glad you commented Carin. I love seeing who is reading, especially if it's a familiar face from the past. Welcome. Thank you for sharing your struggle with anxiety. It is a tough thing, but one God continues to use over and over as I get bolder about sharing.
    Kudos to you for ditching the tv. There is not really much on it that is edifying anyway, is there?
    Glad to hear from you and so happy you're well and out there somewhere.
    m

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