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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

today.

today I will put on my running clothes and then never make it out of the driveway, where I'll stand texting friends who have generously offered childcare options.
today I will celebrate the anniversary of my parents by calling them and thanking them for sticking it out, even when it hurt, even when it didn't seem worth it, even when.  Will thank them for perseverance and servitude and stamina.  Will thank Father too, who has redeemed brokenness and extended blessings time and again.
today I will stand in the visitation line with my husband as people pay their respects for a life well lived, for grandpa's 93 and a half years.
today I will commit to finally finishing the flower girl baskets for my father-in-laws wedding on Friday.  I will swear under my breath as I pick clumps of cooled glue off my burned fingers and will wonder for the thousandth time why I didn't just buy the expensive, but already decked-out ones at Michaels.
today I will stand on the sidelines in my silk shantung wedges and pencil skirt and cheer loudly for my boy as he runs the soccer field.  I don't care who died, I'll be there.
today I will feed my kids fast food as I shuttle them from game to cousins so I can stand next to my husband again as people pay their respects for a life well lived.
today I will probably worry (why do I do that?!?) about how to keep Lucy happy during the funeral at a time when she would normally be napping.  I will briefly consider stapling her dress to the pew, but won't want to rip the fabric.  Plan B will involve lots of m&ms and some vis a vis markers.
Today I will run to Meijers and let Tess pick out whatever ice cream toppings she desires in an attempt to make up for the fact that she will miss, we all will, her Kindergarten ice cream social tomorrow so we can eat ham buns in the basement of Ada Christian Reformed Church, which is not a close second when you're 6 and the center of your own universe.  I'll even let her get the sprinkles that are shaped like little crowns and scepters if she wants them, which she will, sweet girl.
today I will probably forget and I'll take my eyes off Father and then I'll feel like I'm drowning in this life and it's demands and then I'll stop and remember that this is not where my citizenship is.  Nothing here is as precious as there.  Nothing.  Hopefully I'll remember that fast food and missing an afternoon and getting to bed too late are not salvation issues.  They're just not.
This is me being real.  Keeping my eyes on today.  Tomorrow has enough worries of it's own.  I'm not going there.

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