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Thursday, August 23, 2012

knock.

After a year spent hiding from Fear, this summer's respite has been much needed.  I have done everything in my power to eradicate her presence from my life, clean her sloppy self out of the corners where she's been squatting, and now rest in the trust arms of Father as I learn to accept that her presence might always be a part of the road I walk.  But that doesn't mean I have to spend my time listening for her knock, now that I've banished her to the yard with Big Bad Rooster and lots of carcasses of things I probably shouldn't have let the boys shoot.  I know she's always there on my front doorstep, can see her through the glass.  Fear and her sister wife Anxiety, often with the monstrous child they share custody of in tow, Fear of Fear.  I have spent much of my adult life opening the door, thinking I had to.  But not anymore.  Now I sit and listen to them knock and hum hymns to myself until it drowns out their bid for entry.  And sometimes, when I forget that I don't owe them anything, I rise and stand at the door, hand on knob, ready to let them enter, but Father sits on my couch, patting the cushion next and bids me chose to spend my time with Him instead.  And so I'll sink down into the safety of His presence, whispering to myself that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth.  That none can stand at that name.  None.  Including me.  Including Fear.  Including her sister wife Anxiety.  Including even their child, Fear of Fear, that bastard.
There is always something of this world on our front doorstep begging entrance into our lives.  Addiction, Fear, Greed, Insecurity, more.  They fight for the greatest piece of our hearts.  The part we're afraid to give Father because we think the cost will be dear.  And it will be.   But what is man to fear when he might lose the whole world but gain his very soul?  Gain it by letting Father reign there.  No more of that living in fear of Fear stuff.  My citizenship is not here, but There.  And I'm fighting for it, eye on the prize.  And refusing to open the door to the world waiting on my front steps, ugly world with it's bells and whistles making me want to step out and jack it's swag.  No more.
This is me being real.  And wondering what's in your house that needs to be banished to the yard?  And how can I pray for you as you do so?

2 comments:

  1. i was 33 when my husband died (very unexpectedly from cancer) and since then (i am now 38) i've given into fear so much. thinking that my racing heart could be a silent heart attack or that my husband (i've remarried) is 5 minutes late due to a fatal crash. i am learning that surrender is the other side of fear and to be on the other side is what i want. it is easy for people to just say "trust" but it is often, for me, a daily issue. any advice as to books, etc to read?

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  2. Oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss and the fear that has moved in as a result. I have read some books that have been very helpful. The top of the list is Hinds Feet On High Places. Another is Neil T Anderson's Steps To Freedom in Christ. It is so easy for people to throw fear or anxiety at the feet of lack of trust, and I agree to a point, but it has been my experience that there can be chemical components that you can't trust away. Not all emotional issues are spiritual in nature. However, praise God that all issues can be soothed with the healing balm offered in the arms of Father. Best book for conquering fear? The bible. Hands down. The psalms, James Philippians. Such good stuff. I will pray for you, that you find healing and solace. Not sure where you're from, but if you email me I can hand over the name of a counselor who has helped me immensely. Bless you.

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